Since Reborn Fitness on Facebook suggested that we go and "like" Strong Women Against Bad Men. I was quite puzzled to see what that was about. I then realized it's about abuse and harassment. Of course, I went ahead and "liked" the page.
After reading M's blog, it hit me. Why am I holding this in? Am I letting the men win just because I am keeping quiet? No, I believe I became stronger by moving on. However, there may be others suffering so I've decided to share my story to the public thanks to M .. I've seen her at CF Hydro but never got to know her more since I joined another box CF Vise which is closer to my work. My fiancé knows a lot. But my friends? Not really. Everyone knew I was treated badly, but how bad? I don't know.
Let me start out by telling you this, I grew up in a hearing culture in a small town in Iowa being the only deaf child thru all of my school years. I never had a serious boyfriend. Never went to prom at my school. Didn't go to parties since I was never invited. I didn't have any close friends. I played sports, but did not get the chance to play that much in basketball. Softball was my thing, but never got recognized like I should have. I decided to go to the only deaf university in Washington DC because I knew I would be able to blossom. It was a good place for personal growth. I was so happy to be able to attend Gallaudet. I played softball at Gallaudet, one of my best memories. Met a lot of friends. My first year there was my best time there as well as my fourth year in the fall before I decided to leave DC for good.
In 1998, my 2nd year at Gallaudet, I met a guy that was also from Iowa. Of course, I was excited because it is rare to meet a deaf Iowa guy in DC. How cool. We started to do things together, watching movies, getting intoxicated - even though I was 19 at that time, go to house parties, hanging out a lot. He was really nice when he's nice. I don't remember when exactly it started, but I got to know him more and more, he called me a dumb fuck almost everyday. I remember vividly, one night, he was calling me a DF nonstop ALL night long. I laughed, thinking it was nothing. So my friend K, was getting really fed up of him calling me a DF so she really kicked him in the face or his neck while she was wearing Dr Martens sandals. You know how heavy they are. Who did you think I supported? A guy who called me a DF rather than my own name or a friend that was trying to wake my eyes up that he was no good for me? Yep, I chose the man. Boy, was he pissed and of course, he put it on me just because K was my friend. I lost many friends - they kept their cool I was dating him. I went broke because of him. I paid for his cigarettes. I lied for him. He KNEW how to manipulate me. He knew my weaknesses. He made me cry everyday, feeling worthless. I lost a lot of things. He stole my money, change from my ashtray - I like having change in there, just in case. One weekend, I had a softball tournament out of town. He took my truck keys and went for a cruise to God knows where, probably drunk behind the wheel. He got pulled over for running thru a red light. Imagine, he never told me he got a ticket till his later girlfriend found out he had an unpaid ticket or something. He started out as verbally abusing me. It started to get physical. How? I don't remember. One evening, I refused to let him have the last hit so yeah, I hit him back. We hit each other nonstop on our arms for a good 15 minutes. Yep, I got a nasty bruise. He's really mean when he's mean. He made me lie to his baseball coach saying his uncle died, but we went to Florida for spring break. He threw me on my bed. He pushed me down to the floor. The ground. One time, I didn't want to get up from the sidewalk after being pushed down. I thought, just leave me alone. It felt strangely good laying there, I guess you could say I was numb. I got up and went back to him. So many, many, many, many things happened but am not going to type any more since I'm sure you get the idea and don't want to become sad right now - bad memories. I bet some of you are thinking, why the heck did I stay with him for so long? He was my first boyfriend and thought I could change him. Third year at Gallaudet, same routine path. He cheated on me, but I still took him back. We went home to Iowa for summer break. I lived with my brother so I went to see my boyfriend as much as I could because they lived about 25 miles from each other. We worked together at the car wash. He said he didn't want to go back to Gallaudet. I secretly wanted to go back and thought, perfect plan for me to break up with him. As summer was soon ending, I decided to go up north 2 hours from my boyfriend to live with my parents to talk more about college. I finally told my mom that I had enough with the guy. I couldn't stop crying. A huge sense of relief. I waited till the last week of summer vacation and I was probably mean but I broke up with him on the phone on Thursday (we didn't have a cell phone back then). I had to. It was my only way out. He went to visit me on Friday (yes, the very next day) after I called him. He stayed overnight at my parents' and I left for college in DC the next day on Saturday. That was the ONLY time he visited. Why now? Why not before? Well, yeah. I have never felt so free after letting him go. I gained my friends back, but more importantly, I gained my self esteem back, slowly. I was 21 at that time when we broke up. Almost 2 years of waste. Oh well. I saw him again in 2003, what an awkward moment. He wanted to talk. I was so strong. I wouldn't let him beat me up again. He said "well, it was good while it lasted," but I was glad I told him, "For you, sure, but not for me. It was beyond awful." The words "it was good while it lasted" was stuck in my head for few weeks. So he was happy with me? What? Apparently he liked to be in control so I went back living my life with my soon to fiancé (we got engaged in 2004). He is so understanding about this, he lets me talk about it, but I have moved on. :) I don't talk about it much unless I see something that reminds me of that ex. I'm just happy I'm able to talk openly about it to my fiancé.
Many years later in 2006, I worked at Ameristar Casino as a kitchen steward. I was 25. There was this coworker that knew how to sign well. I was impressed, of course, since a lot of people don't know sign. He started to say "you're pretty." Yah, I was flattered at the first time and said thank you. He knew I was engaged. He started to say you're pretty a lot and it made me uncomfortable. I said, no I'm not just to push him away. There were two other deaf coworkers that noticed he was really coming onto me. He said it was ok for him to flirt while he had a girlfriend. Weeks passed by, months passed by, he always flirted with me but I just nodded my head and kept my distance. One day, my supervisor KNEW something was wrong. Yep, I was sexually harassed by that guy. He felt me up and pressed his thingy (yeah, the P word) towards my hip. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. I ran away to the bathroom then my supervisor saw me standing in some hallway. There were witnesses that saw what happened. I had to fill a report out. I was shaking like crazy. I felt stupid filling it out. I then realized HE was the stupid one. He thought he could hit on a deaf girl because we had no voice or what? The company took a great care of me and fired him immediately. I was very sad it happened to me. I then saw him at Applebee's where he was working when I was with my fiancé. I was hiding my face because I didn't want him to spit in my food just because I got him fired. My fiancé took a good care of me, making sure I was ok. I don't know where he is now but I'm ok with that!!!
So, blah. Why do guys do this? Beats me. To make them feel like they're top of the world? Heck if I knew.
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